through the looking glass
I’ve been wanting to get a place lately. I don’t know if it’s this whole thing about wanting to start anew, with my living situation ending soon, or if it’s because I’m just getting that age. In my younger years, buying a house was just as impossible a wish, only then I had something else. Then I had the weird assumption and hope that I would find someone to help me buy a house, and that someone wasn’t going to be my dad. Now it’s an impossible wish because of the financial reality and the reality that I don’t have a partner to go in with.
Today I was visiting with my family for Mother’s Day, and I got to speak with my grandmother a bit. After the whole family raided the food, we all got the afternoon bug to nap, and it was like a weird programing kicked in, and everyone starting passing out in various parts of the living room sleeping.
Now I’m guilty of this too, I napped for about 30 minutes, but soon after I woke up and got a chance to chat with Grandma. Here we were, the only two people awake in the entire house, and she started to tell me old stories, the kind I love to hear.
You know, maybe I’ve heard them all a zillion times, but I like re-listening to them anyhow. Who else in this world has a better perspective than those who’ve grown and seen it all? Having children , having grandchildren, witnessing her motherland fold under her as the Islamic revolution took over her life and pushed her into a brand new one.
I get embarrassed sometimes when I talk to my grandmother, she reminds me often of how juvenile my knowledge of Farsi truly is. But hey, it’s my moment to practice.
“Grandma, do you pray anymore?”
“No…I’ve stopped since a few years ago. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Why? I mean, you used to face Mecca and do the whole bit for Nahmaz. I thought you found it meditative?”
“Leyla-joon, when I realized many years after the revolution, that my country would still be shit because of all that Islam caused, I couldn’t do it anymore. Those imbeciles ruined our country in the name of Mohamed and Allah , why the hell would I celebrate those versions of God?”
Good point Grandma, why would you?
You know, there’s nothing cooler than hearing your Grandmother curse in Farsi and be passionate about it. It might be my favorite thing ever in out frequent family get togethers.
“Leyla-joon, don’t bother yourself about anything but yourself. No religion, no man, no person or thing is as important as you finding your own happiness. There’s no point in worshiping anything blindly, even finding a mate. Make your life as you wish. Do it for yourself.”
I’m ready to find my own place, a place where it’s only about me. Homeownership is not easy, but what else is better for me to focus on right now, in addition to my career. Besides, it’ll be my little Mecca. Only we’ll never have Ramadan … because damn it , I love to eat. I might succeed, I might fail, who knows?
Sometimes, you just gotta walk up to the glass and step through to the other side to see what’s there.
